Why? That seems to be an irrelivant question to life. Why do things have to change? I mean when things in my life change it isn't small little changes like moving a room around, it's big shit. I mean people moving OUT OF THE FUCKING COUNTRY! Out of the STATE! Sometimes it makes me wish I did not get close to people.. Tina moved to Louisiana. I didn't go to her going away party. Alina went back home to the Ukraine, and now Jake and Niles are moving to Alabama. I've dealt with Tina and Alina moving. I've had a longer amount of time to deal with those, and for the most part I am positive I will stay in touch with them. But Jake and Niles... oh man... it hurts deeper than any knife could. I care about Jake a lot. (He would be the ideal b/f for me, to bad that will never happen). And even if he stayed I know we would only ever be friends, but the fact that he is leaving even diminishes the hopes I had for that. And Niles... my dear dear sweet Niles. He is my son. We have our own little jokes with that one. I am sad because for the five years I have gone to school with him, I am only now getting to know him. He is such an awesome kid. I will miss those hugs. I swear that kid strangles people when he hugs them. He is always so happy and excited about everything. It is encouraging for the rest of the world.

The party is in two days. I want it to get here, but I wish it would wait. If it comes, it means they are for sure leaving.
But hey! maybe they won't move. Maybe it was one huge bad dream and I will wake up. Or if it was real, maybe they will say they all changed their minds and will stay. But I can only ask for so much. I need to come up with some other way to deal with all of this. I mean, I haven't used my normal way of calming myself down, and I don't want that. I don't want scars that will tell me this is what you did because of this. I don't want to ever be able to connect them with something that bad. Gosh! Self control is harder than people think.

I hate liking guys. I mean when I like a guy, there is no small deal for me. I take things so seriously with things like that. Most of the guys I have liked, for almost as long as I can remember have not like me back. And it hurts. But I deal. I occupy myself with other things. And man, when I have 80 million people telling me that one person inparticular likes me... I have no idea of what to do. I mean, I don't even know what I think about the idea. I mean... would I like him as they say he does me? Is this going to change things? I know I wouldn't want it to.

Things are crazy. What I want to do, I don't want to do. I have been violently shaking because I won't do it. God! It's like a drug, and I am having a serious withdrawl right now. I can't even cry, my body won't let me... damnit!



Fuck off!

~*~Tia~*~